Ghosting

I must say, I have taken on a lot of things onto my plate. Been very stressed and insecure. I ‘ve been busy trying to find myself because somehow I lost myself in the process. After loosing my baby I decided to go back to school and shortly after was in a minor car accident that changed my whole prospective in life. Some days its easy but it does get harder other days for me. It gets hard to wake up go to a full time job, do some therapy (which helps but I’m in severe pain each time) and to school where I don’t get home until a little past midnight to only do it all over again the next day….It gets easier, this isn’t forever (thankfully). But sometimes I feel I’ve taken on so much to help forget the void and empty space I feel in my heart after loosing the baby.

I will tell you one thing for sure, it has made me appreciate the little family I have now. It makes me cherish every single moment I get to spend with them because in an instant it could all be taken away from me, in an instant everything could turn to hell but I prefer to enjoy it while the moment is still alive and beautiful. I didn’t think that way before. I felt like the world was against me and life was out to get me, that wasn’t the case though. Through meditation and mind healing I’m slowly being able to process the fact that God wanted it to happen this way. Others may opinionate differently but this blog isn’t about your opinions, its about mine. God placed me in the very exact moment I was supposed to be in and that one knock down is blooming a whole new chapter for me in my life, in our lives. Anything that I have gone through, am going through and will go through is helping me mold my future my little house as I say it.

The day the car accident happened I had lost a very important person in my life the night before due to driving under the influence. It wasn’t the cause for my accident. However, how ironic is it that this person passed away the day before and the next day I was in one? two different situations obviously. Fortunately for my situation I was not at fault. It was hard for me to pick myself back up from the accident as my anxiety levels were up the roof. Anytime I had to drive I would cry and panic. I’ve come a long way since then, I would say I’m back to normal if not better. Here’s to taking it one step at a time.

**In Loving Memory of our beloved and cherished neighbor Ms. Brenda**

**May you rest in eternal peace sugar foot <3**

You’ve got a friend in me.

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I’m sure you’ve heard the cliche “my animals are my kids.” Although, I do have a human baby, these 3 fur babies all have a reasoning behind their existence in my life, even though all of the reasons have been different stories they all have one thing in common and that is they all have a big place in my heart.

Lets begin with my first furbaby Cali, short for California. Cali came with her name already and I just kept it because she reminded me of bright and sunny California day would be, not that I’ve ever been there but in my imagination if California is thought to be as beautiful as I imagine it to be, it would be Cali ❤ She belonged to a hair dresser of mine about 6-7 years ago now and she was being forced to get rid of her cats. I remember seeing Cali for the first time her being a kitten at that time and I just instantly fell in love with her and I believe the feeling was mutual because she would climb all over me and I’d feel her hard bristled tongue brushing up on my cheek. Her first night was scary she meowed all night long, clawed me randomly but refused to leave my side, she was a real active one in her early stages of life. Cali enjoys to stay away from people and sleep all day, When she wants to be loved she will come to you. She meows endlessly when shes hungry, which is ALL the time, and if you don’d do it fast enough she trips you. Cali adopted our youngest Fifi as her own little cub since she was spayed.

Kado is 8 years old, He was surrendered into the animal shelter I worked at the time. Kado only knew one family since he was a puppy and at the time they abandoned him he was 5 years old, and they dumped him like if he was nothing. He got super sick, he refused to come out of the kennel without my help (I used to have to come in on days off to get him out of his kennel in the morning so he can go outside and do his business). He ended up with Kennel Cough; (Kennel Cough is compared to what us humans call the “common cold” only it is in dogs) he was taken into Isolation to get better but I did not stop there because I knew of his separation anxiety I genuinely felt bad and fought to at least Foster him. It was such an issue because I was just about done with my 90 day probation. You see, during your 90 day probation at the animal shelter you are not allowed to Foster or adopt any animal, why?? because you’ll most likely want to take them all home. However, my supervisor saw way past that reasoning and saw the connection Kado and I had. That night I took him home…. It took 3 months for Kado to get back to being a healthy, happy dog. We go out on walks, we go to the beach, park. Kado is my best friend, he saved me. Kado is also a cancer survivor, I remember just the thought of loosing him at that point and time in my life broke me inside, He has been there when everyone else turned their back on me and my son. Kado protects my son like his own cub, and I will never understand how a human has the heart to just dump him in a shelter and still have a good nights rest, To Kado..you’ll always have a friend in me bud.

If you have not realized by now that the only one left is my grey, black and white kitty, well that’s Fifi or as we like to call her “THE FEEFANATOR.” Feef came into our lives maybe a year or 2 ago. She was a stray kitten at my boyfriends place of work. The guys there all fed her scraps and made sure she didn’t go hungry but eventually she would have gotten ran over or killed by another animal, so he brought her home. Her first night I bathed her, wrapped her up in a warm blanket and she slept all night on my chest, she was soooo tired I kid you not she did not wake up not once during that night. We call her the feefanator because she kills insects or anything foreign that should not be in our house. She is the cuddliest and as soon as its time to shower she either sits on the toilet or in between the tub and curtain waiting for me. At night she cuddles up at my feet. Fifi is the “Gangsta” of the pack and even though she is the youngest of our fur babies she runs them both.

My animals all have a history behind them. Its what I do, its who i’am I made a pact to always protect and try my hardest to help homeless animals, these were my blessings and I wouldn’t trade these 3 for the world. I love them as much as I love my human baby ❤ call me the crazy animal lady but its so rewarding at the end of each day to have the amount of love they give you is just a privilege that I’m happy to have.

I never thought I was as strong as I’m forced to be at the moment. With each passing day it gets easier to talk about, but the pitty I can still sense. One pet peeve of mine is to be shown pitty. I keep thinking why did we have to get our hopes up? I knew it was too good to be true, I felt like I was finally a normal woman, and in a blink of an eye all my happiness was shattered and taken away from me.

June 29 I started to miscarry. With tears rolling down my eyes and my boyfriend trying to keep the positive in me flowing, we rushed to the emergency room where we found out the baby was fine and it was still holding on strong. That piece of news had given me some type of peace of mind that maybe just maybe i’m one of the rare cases that just happen to bleed throughout their pregnancy but move on to having a healthy baby and pregnancy. Unfortunately that was not the case for me. July 1st I was given the extremely painful news that I was miscarrying my baby. As the days followed it just got worse and the excruciating pain I was in made me think twice to even try again. I cried for my life that week, I tried to stay strong for both my boyfriend and my self but it seemed I was failing at that too.

Coming into work the following week, I was not ready, and having to face the obvious questions that were to come… Most co-workers knew and just simply gave me hugs out of respect but then came the painful questions I felt forced to talk about. Everyday it gets easier to talk about now, but at the time of me coming back I still was not comfortable nor ready to be given a constant reminder of what just happened. I don’t know if its lack of consideration from other peoples parts but one of the most scarring questions was if I could describe what I had went through and if I saw my baby. Who would actually have the balls to ask this? I tried to give it excuses as maybe they went through the same but I just felt like I was forced to relive the most horrific moment of my life. As if seeing blood that wasn’t mine come out of me for a week straight wasn’t a constant reminder enough to shock me for life. But I just shrugged away their ignorance, pretended as if they did not know any better and politely rejected to speak about it.

It took me a few weeks to be OK with this, to come to an understanding of what happened and why it happened. According to my new doctor (my former gynecologist office heard a piece of my mind when they kept pushing me away and refusing to see me) my former Midwife ignored my PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome) for any of you who do not know what PCOS is, in a sweet and short way to explain it basically its a hormone imbalance which makes it hard for you to get pregnant (stay pregnant without medication to control it) makes you gain excessive weight and some women (NOT ME, THANK THE LORD ALMIGHTY) develop facial hair. Back to the former midwife, because she did not medicate me the cysts I developed is what killed my baby. I was able to find peace in what happened but I’m very upset at the negligence us women with PCOS experience. If my doctor would have monitored me the way they were supposed to I could have still had my baby in my womb. After all the anger, frustration and sadness this brought me, I left it in Gods hands and I’m making sure this doesn’t happen to any other woman suffering with PCOS. It just sucks that I had to be the eye opener. I’am Gods solider and nothing can ever harm me, it can knock me down, it can try and destroy me, but I will ALWAYS RISE!

I have faith that someday, maybe not soon, but someday it will be our time again to bring a beautiful joy into this world, but until then we have decided on getting me healthy and back on my feet. I want to focus on my career and maybe in a few years we will try again. We appreciate all the moral support we have received from our friends and family. Most of all I appreciate my boyfriend who had been there by my side as much as his work allowed him to be. <333333

Hello! My name is Michelle and welcome to my blog page. I’m extremely excited to build a safe space for my words and my experiences and be able to share them with you.

I’ve created this because at one point in my life I’ve felt lost, I’ve felt alone and someone may come across my blog and find some type of comfort. I’ve gone through unimaginable things at an early age in life that have taught me to appreciate life and appreciate all of my seconds that i’m allowed to share with my son, my husband, my family and friends. Not all of my experiences are sad, some are proud moments; happy tear moments, some can be angry moments but who doesn’t have an emotional roller coaster going on in life?

Exactly.

So, welcome to my carnival, buckle in tight for the ride because it has just started.